Crazy Parents
by preposterousnotion
Summary: Puckleberry one-shot in the series after 'You're on Fire No Really You Are'. Puck and his Ma are invited to dinner at the Berrys. Hilarity ensues.


Crazy Parents

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Glee or Friends or Halo.

AN: This fic follows on from 'You're on Fire No Really You Are'.

As always thank you very very much to everyone for the reviews and adding my one-shots as favourites.

Bree.

* * *

"Just look at how that car is parked!"

"Ma…"

"Look at it Noah- right across _at least_ two spaces! The wheels aren't straight either- would you look at that!"

"Ma…"

"That is by far the worst parking I have ever… Oh hello Mr and Mr Berry! I was just admiring your car… Can't stop and chat, got to run off and get these… tissues and apples in the freezer!"

How fucking embarrassing. And that wasn't the last time either.

* * *

They were at the temple, and if Rachel hadn't had a last minute dance rehearsal, he would never have been there to be embarrassed again.

His ma was talking at him in a stage whisper that was so loud it echoed off the walls.

"Don't you just hate it when people sit right in front of you and wear a hat." She hissed unsubtly.

Puck made some noise which could have been interpreted however the listener wanted.

"I think it's incredibly rude", she continued. "Actually, it's more than rude- its heightist."

Heightist? What the fuck? That sounded like something that wifey would say.

"Yes, it's against people who can't see the rabbi over the person's hat who is sitting in front of them".

The man in front surreptitiously removed his hat and looked round rather pointedly.

Great. Puck suddenly became very interested in the floor. It would be Mr Berry wouldn't it?

* * *

And now he and his ma were invited over to the Berry's house for dinner. As soon as she had put the phone down and had informed him of this (how is it that parents are completely immune to embarrassment?), he dialled in Rachel's number.

"Hey Noah!"

"Babe. This is mental. You can't possibly let my ma come round for dinner!"

She giggled. "Are you worried that she'll start telling embarrassing stories of when you were a kid?"

Fuck. She was going to start telling embarrassing stories of when he was a kid. Rachel was going to dump him and run off with the postman.

"Don't worry baby, I'm not going to dump you and run off with the postman", she added, when he didn't reply.

Too right she wasn't. The postman's arms were matchsticks in comparison to his.

"What time you coming over?"

"Oh, I'm just turning into the drive now."

"Fuck! Hang up! Fuck! Don't die Rach! I love you."

She coughed to disguise a snort. He was such a drama queen.

"Its okay Noah, I've got hands free."

"Ok cool. So, you brought snacks?"

"Cheetos."

She read his mind.

"Awesome. What you wearing?"

"Nothing."

He knocked over the umbrella stand and just caught the vase as it toppled over when he ran straight into the hall cupboard in his mad dash to get out of the front door.

She's lucky he loved her cos joking about that shit just ain't funny.

But then she wrapped his arms around his neck and kissed him deeply (which was more difficult than it sounds due to him clutching a vase to his chest) and he was completely at mercy to her because he would walk round the world and back if he had to just for her awesome mouth on his. Seriously, it was better than a cold beer on a hot day, and that's saying something cos he couldn't count the number of times he'd given up a weeks worth of buying pictures of Matt's next door neighbour's daughter topless for one of those bad boys.

* * *

So he was standing outside the Berry's house dressed in a smart suit and practising his 'I'm not responsible for the fact that your daughter is no longer innocent by any stretch of the imagination' smile, checking it out in the shiny knocker.

Mr Berry (the big black one- yeah he wasn't sure of his name Rachel probably did tell him at one time but she forgot that he wouldn't remember anything that she told him during sex unless it was dirty), answered the door and flashed Puck an odd look at the manic grin he was wearing.

"Welcome, Puckermans! Do come in!"

He blatantly just checked out the parking of his mum's car in the driveway.

"Got some wine and shit", Puck said casually, "Ow! What the fuck was that for?"

"Noah! Language!" His ma hissed.

Mr Berry smiled, amused, and took the bottle gratefully.

"What lovely flowers!"

"Yeah, Rach's favourite."

And he'd had to go to five different shops to try and find them. Her favourite flowers would be the rarest flowers in the whole of America.

Rachel came running down the stairs. God she was hot. Not cool to get a hard on standing in front of her fathers though so he closed his eyes quickly. 'Cept that was worse cos she was permanently naked in his head.

She came up and kissed his cheek daintily.

"You better not be tired already Noah", she murmured, and he squirmed at her hot breath on his neck.

Course he wasn't. He could go for days. With the occasional sandwich break.

"Why don't you kids get out the way for a bit and we'll talk about you for a couple of minutes", white Mr Berry said, good naturedly.

That sounded like the kind of conversation that needed supervision. But then again, there was the option of being alone with Rachel and he hadn't been in that situation for about 1 hour 12 minutes and 34 seconds and he was beginning to get withdrawal symptoms. Yeah see, his eye was twitching all over the place (as was his cock- her hand was practically in his boxers).

"And don't worry about your shoes; just don't walk on the shag pile".

Shag pile? That sounded a bit kinky.

* * *

They fell onto her bed, kissing frantically. She had her hand actually in his boxers now, and her tongue was snaking with his. Fuck. Okay so they were likely to be called down to dinner at any minute, and her bedroom door was wide open, but that just added to the excitement.

He pushed her dress up to her hips, his hands wandering up the inside of her thighs.

"Quickie?" She said, her eyes bright and her hands pausing in the act of undoing his belt.

"Fuck yes", he moaned.

"You have to be quiet though", she warned him.

That was rich! She was the loud one.

He silenced her with a bruising kiss, pushing his trousers and boxers down to his knees and, testing her readiness with his forefinger. Who was he kidding, she was always ready for him. He loved it.

He thrust into her, catching her appreciative moan with his mouth, kissing her thoroughly until he ran out of air, then switching to her neck as his thrusts became harder and deeper, and she gripped his butt for leverage.

"Fuck Noah, so close", she gasped.

"Rachel! Noah! Dinner's being served!"

Puck gritted his teeth and pulled almost completely out before slamming right back into her.

"Coming!" She called, her laughter swallowed by a long groan as she actually did climax, shuddering beneath him and kissing at his neck.

He shoved his tie in his mouth because he really needed to scream her name. And then almost swallowed his tie.

But Rachel said it was difficult to notice the bite marks unless you were standing with your face really close to his chest, which hopefully, none of the parents would be doing. Hopefully.

* * *

They rushed down the stairs, Rachel just noticing in time that he had a smudge of lipstick on his neck.

"This looks great!" Rachel enthused.

"Really great!" Puck reinstated.

Was it just him or did it really smell of sex?

Luckily the dinner was pretty smelly too (in a good way- like chicken), so he thought they got away with it.

One Mr Berry asked him about his football. He wasn't sure which one it was because Rachel was running her bare foot up and down his leg and that was beyond distracting.

"Yeah it's great." He answered vaguely. Everyone gave him confused looks. Turned out he'd been asked if he thought the hot weather they'd been having was effecting the speed of the pitch. He vowed to always have his mouth stuffed full of food so he couldn't possibly be expected to answer any questions.

He could tell his ma was itching to say something. She was all fidgety and shifty eyed.

Then suddenly, she burst out with it and Puck just wished the ground would swallow him up.

"So who's going to pay for the wedding? Should we share it? I've always thought it was wrong for the bride's parents to have to pay for it all. And I've saved up for when Noah found a nice Jewish girl."

Who's Noah? It wasn't him. He'd never seen this woman before in his life.

Rachel was laughing silently beside him.

Mr Berry glanced across at Puck's 'I didn't even hear what she said' expression and Rachel's contorted face hiding laughter and said, "maybe we should wait until they are actually engaged."

"Oh. Okay."

"You know, when Noah was young…"

"Ma… I don't think they want to hear about that…"

"…he used to put a pillow case on his head and pretend he was the bride at a wedding".

Oh Shit.

"We thought he was going to be gay until he was about 6", his mother added, matter of factly.

Rachel raised her eyebrows at him, amused. He scowled.

They ate in silence for a while, Puck trying desperately to think of something to say that his ma couldn't bring back round to his and Rachel's beautiful future together. Or an embarrassing story about his childhood.

Seriously, he would be marrying her sometime, but he needed time to think about these things.

He wasn't quick enough with forming a conversation about the weather.

"What do you think of the name Alvin, Rachel?"

"Erm… Well…."

"Ma- s'like 'Alvin and the Chipmunks'" Puck said.

"Oh? I like it. You know, Noah, you're grandfather was called Alvin. It would be nice to bring back the name into the family. You should call one of your sons Alvin."

Oh good lord. One of his sons? How many did she expect Rach to pop out? And besides, one thing at a time. Let him get his head round the fact that he wanted to have sex only with only Rachel for the rest of his life before he started to let out his boys to do what they did best and get her pregnant. And besides, she wanted to do Broadway and shit so they'd have to give it a while.

And Alvin? What the fuck? He'd want to call his son something cool like 'Sword' or 'Blade' or 'Jet' or 'Tom'. He quite liked the name Tom. And Millie. But for a girl- obviously.

Fuck. Was he just naming his non-existent kids?

Thank god it was time for pudding.

"I would be able to offer squirty cream and strawberries as an alternative", Mr Berry said, "but they have mysteriously disappeared from my fridge."

Rachel blushed bright red. "You didn't say they were being saved for something!"

"Rachel! There was a whole punnet of strawberries! And a whole pot of squirty cream!"

"Noah helped me!"

Well there were a lot of places on Rachel's naked body to lick the cream from. And feeding Rachel strawberries was totally hot.

Other Mr Berry was offering Puck a small smile.

He still found it weird how cool they were with the fact that they could totally tell he regularly had awesome hot sex with their daughter.

Luckily, his ma decided to grill Rachel about her interest in Broadway musicals right through dessert and up until she had to leave to be in time to pick up his sister from her friend's house.

Puck stayed and let out a huge sigh of relief when she finally pulled out of the driveway.

* * *

Later, he was curled up with Rachel on the sofa, watching a film. Cuddling his wifey was awesome. And he was still a badass stud.

"Noah?"

"Yeah babe"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

He kissed her slowly, lavishly.

"Do you think we should talk about our future?"

"Nah…"

"I think we should."

He guessed that meant they were going to talk about their future.

"'Kay".

"Do you think we can make it work...? I mean if I'm somewhere else..?"

"Babe! Wherever you go- I'm right behind you."

Rachel kissed him softly. That was obviously the right answer.

"We can rent a flat and shit." He suggested "In New York or whatever."

She just kissed him again. Wow. He was good at this.

"But we're not calling our kid Alvin." She said firmly.

"Tom?" he asked. It just slipped out.

"I like the name Tom." She nodded.

"But maybe after you've made it big in Broadway and shit. And after we've got married."

She gave him the biggest smile he had ever seen in his life. It was such a smiley smile he felt the corners of his mouth lift too.

* * *

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